My Mormon-Evangelical Interfaith Marriage — Parenting & More
Note: This is part 4 of a multi-part post. See the end of the post for links to the other parts.
So, we got married. I wish I had some exciting stories for you about the wedding, but it was pretty simple. We did the ceremony at my church and the reception at an LDS church. My pastor performed the ceremony. We tried to involved both religions and both families as much as possible. Most parties would agree though, planning the interfaith wedding was not nearly as important as planning what was to come after the wedding—no, I don’t mean the wedding night, you perv.
It’s safe to say that there are more lifestyle rules and requirements in the LDS church than in evangelical ones, so making our marriage work has largely been a matter of how many LDS rules I can personally adapt to. Fortunately for my husband, the answer is, quite a bit.
Coffee / Tea / Alcohol ~ It’s against LDS doctrine for a person to drink coffee, tea or alcohol, whereas all of these things are fine with evangelicals so long as they’re in moderation. Well okay, not the coffee. Let’s face it, evangelicals, we don’t even try to be moderate with the coffee, but I digress. Fortunately for Paul, I was never a drinker of any of those things, so for the unity of our marriage I agreed not to drink them. Caffeinated soda is fair game, and a bottle of Coke pretty much grows off the end of my arm.
Garments & Temple Clothes ~ In theory non-members are not supposed to see either of these, but thanks to the frequency of Utah Mormon girls who seem to believe short, midriff-baring shirts go well with garments, I can assure you I had seen quite a few sacred navel marks long before I met Paul. As far as his garments go, he wears them regularly, I see them regularly, I wash them regularly, I peel them off his hot naked body regularly. *bow chicka wow wow* I even used to buy them for him before the anti-Mormons ruined it and the church had to start asking to see temple recommends when purchasing them. It just wouldn’t be very practical to hide them from me since they’re a part of everyday life.
Temple clothes are another story. Now I know what temple clothes look like; I’ve had not-very-devout LDS friends show them to me (not my fault, trust me). My husband’s temple clothes though, I’ve never seen. He keeps them in a black bag which I’m aware of, and I stay out of them. I may not agree with LDS temple practices, but I’ll never be accused of not respecting them.
Tithing ~ Some evangelicals don’t believe in paying tithing. I do! So we both believe in giving 10% of our income to God. Our rule is that, no matter who is working, we take 10% of our total income and split it between our churches; we’re paying out 10% total, but each church is only getting 5%. At one point I was the only one working and we were still giving 5% to the LDS church and 5% to my evangelical church, then he was the only one working for a while. Currently we both have part-time jobs.
I do maintain the right do devote part of my tithe to charitable Christian causes rather than the local church as the Spirit guides me. That practice does not fit the LDS definition of tithing, but our rule is that what I do with my 5% is my business and what he does with his 5% is his business.
Family Home Evening ~ Mormons like to have “FHE” on Monday nights. We do this occasionally, using lessons from the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
Church Attendance ~ We have a system worked out where we each visit the other person’s church once a month and attend our own congregations the other three Sundays. He comes to my church the first Sunday of the month (he hates fast & testimony meetings), we each go to our own churches for the next two Sundays, and I visit his church the fourth Sunday of the month. Months with fifth Sundays are toss-ups. So I suppose you can say we each only have 75% church attendance, but we feel it’s important to be involved in the other person’s congregation and not be a stranger to the people there.
Earrings, “Modest” Attire, Tattoos, Other ~ The LDS church discourages more than one set of earrings for women, all earrings for men, and all tattoos. They encourage women to dress “modestly,” and by that they mean clothing that can cover the garment: t-shirts, knee-length shorts and skirts, nothing skin-tight or low-cut. They also discourage two-piece swimwear for women.
I have a low opinion of these rules in particular; I think Latter-day Saints tend to be far too legalistic about them. I only have one set of earrings, but that’s because I don’t care to have more holes in my body, and I do wear a cuff on my right ear most of the time. I have no problem with tank tops, other shoulder-baring attire, or two-piece swimsuits, and I own a few skirts that don’t cover my knees and feel no shame in wearing them. Earlier this year, I made the decision to get a tattoo.
How does my husband feel about all this? Most of the time, he encourages it. He feels that he has already asked me to make a tremendous sacrifice in keeping the Word of Wisdom and doesn’t want to pressure me into other rules that I don’t accept as inspired. I’m fine with this compromise.
That brings us to one of the more pressing questions in this type of a union: how do we handle the kid(s)? Right now we just have one child who is four years old, our daughter Harley, but we do plan to have more. I suppose you could say there are three ways an interfaith couple can do this:
(1) Choose which religion to raise them in and stick with it.
(2) Raise them in both religions and let them choose for themselves which one to be baptized in at an appropriate age.
(3) Raise them in both religions and baptize them in both religions. Let them belong to both as they grow and ultimately decide which is true when they are old enough.
(2) Raise them in both religions and let them choose for themselves which one to be baptized in at an appropriate age.
(3) Raise them in both religions and baptize them in both religions. Let them belong to both as they grow and ultimately decide which is true when they are old enough.
Currently the plan is to do option 2. With our daughter, Harley comes to my church with both of us on the first Sunday of the month, Paul’s church on the second, my church on the third and Paul’s church with both of us on the fourth. Fifth Sundays are whatever. So she attends each church 50% of the time.
We do not completely agree on what age constitutes Harley being “old enough” to choose a religion and be baptized. Paul thinks eight years is old enough. I would rather she wait until she is twelve years of age minimum. Children do not really begin to question authority and think for themselves until they reach ages 11-12. Younger children are very impressionable and susceptible to suggestion and doing things just to please the adults they love, and my fear is that someone from one of our churches will manipulate her for one or against the other. Anyways, it’s a situation we will have to figure out and work through when it plays out.
Some intelligent people have pointed out to me that this system works okay in part because we have a female child whose LDS church activities are not restricted by not holding the LDS priesthood. If we have a male child and he isn’t baptized by age twelve, he can’t be ordained to the Aaronic priesthood and pass sacrament, be ordained and set apart as a deacon, etc. I don’t think option 3 is very viable in an LDS context because, officially, church policy states that a person who is baptized into another church must be excommunicated. We may be able to circumvent that on a technicality by baptizing them in my church first and then his, but I think that goes against the spirit of what baptism is for both of our traditions. So if we have a male child, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
It’s hard to say how well our system works from where we are right now. So far, raising Harley in both churches has just meant she alternates church children’s programs and we read to her from both the Bible and the Book of Mormon. Only time will tell.
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My Mormon-Evangelical Interfaith Marriage — Parenting & More — 14 Comments
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I found your blog very insightful, while I am not an Evangelical Christian. However, I am marrying a practicing Mormon. I was raised Catholic and I consider myself to be a Catholic. Currently I’m not practicing my my faith. It’s more out of laziness, which stemmed from my college days, but my beliefs are still very important to me.
At the beginning, Soon-to-be-husband also struggled with the fact that he can’t be married in the temple. We continuously talk about religion but given our history (long story and really don’t want to post everything in the comment section).
There are some good point in your blog, the both of us haven’t thought about and I look forward to reading more about your journey.
Thank you again.