In which I finally understand the attraction of believing in a pre-existence

It was one of those mornings where my three year-old daughter, Harley, was at her worst. Everything seemed to be making her cry and she frequently lashed out with her shrill, VCFS-impaired attempts at words which I couldn’t understand. But I had a presentation to finish preparing and reading to get done before my classes, and having a toddler following me around everywhere tugging at my long skirt while bawling was not helping my mood. I finally turned, looked down at her, and yelled at her to leave me alone. She stared back at me with tears in her eyes, whimpering, hurt that Mommy had yelled at her. I felt guilty immediately but there was no time to comfort her; I had to get to campus. I wished her father good luck with her and headed out the door.
Later in the afternoon, I was checking my e-mail and found that an old professor from BYU had written to me. We had been relatively close for a student and professor while I was attending BYU, to the point that I had given him the third dance at my wedding after Paul and my own father. Last week I sent him a snail-mail letter after three years of no contact with him, so he was responding. My snail-mail had brought him up to speed with my mother’s death and my daughter’s disorders.
I was a little bit surprised when I read the opening paragraph of his e-mail because he spent an entire paragraph talking about what a good mother I must be. You might be saying, “A Mormon gushing about motherhood, what else is new?”, but you have to understand a few things. One, this man was so not the type of person to dwell on how awesome mommyhood is, Mormon or not. (Kevin Barney and jondh know who it is I’m talking about, and they’ll vouch for this.) Two, I took 21 credits with him (6 classes), more than I took with any other professor at BYU, which means there is no way he could have missed the fact that I was apparently absent from the room when they were handing out all of those charming “motherhood” skills I keep hearing so much about that are supposed to be an intrinsic part of the female nature: gentleness, compassion, kindness, charity, benevolence, etc. Nope, I totally missed out on that skill set. I think I must have been busy playing Nintendo or something.
There was something this professor said that really touched me though. He said:
“You are a true Christian seeking to emulate the savior.  You do not need for me to tell you that from Him you can draw strength.  I think your daughter Harley is so lucky to have come to you.”
The last part of that paragraph is what really gave me pause. The idea of Harley coming to me—that she would want to have me as a mother in spite of my raging temper, my snarky personality, my lack of nurturing skills, my disregard for authority, and my dependency on can openers—touched me deeply. From an LDS worldview, it would also mean that she wanted me to be her mother even though it would mean not being born in the covenant. Perhaps it’s because of my Protestant tendencies toward a low view of humanity, or maybe it’s the lingering damage from what I was told while I was growing up about how worthless I am, but whatever the case, the idea that my daughter would see value in me and want to begin her life with me in spite of all my flaws struck me as really beautiful.
Saturday’s Warrior-esque pre-existence mythology has long made me roll my eyes. Some of the Latter-day Saints I first had interactions with tried to give me that “We must have known each other in the pre-existence” routine, and I called it for what it was: emotional manipulation. I suppose there isn’t any reason what I’ve written here can’t be considered deeply emotional, but I also see a philosophical value in it, something that affirms that there is something good and worthwhile in all of us, something that’s worth choosing. I certainly haven’t moved any closer to believing in a pre-existence, but I do see the advantages in believing in it. It’s something I feel like I can admire even if I don’t embrace it.
I had planned to go straight from campus to a class being held at the home of one of my professors that day. I decided to swing home beforehand just to spend a few more minutes with my daughter instead.
(Note: This is not a post about creation ex nihilo v. creation ex materia. You can theoretically believe in a pre-earth existence and creation ex nihilo. Sorry to disappoint.)

Comments

In which I finally understand the attraction of believing in a pre-existence — 19 Comments

  1. You wouldn’t be the only person to roll eyes at the de Azevedo conception of the pre-existence, but how else are you going to turn exalting doctrine into a fun mid-70′s musical theatre presentation?
    And I think even if you don’t believe in a pre-existent state (though I’ll take that Jeremiah scripture as an affirmation that *something* was there before, even if only a pattern in the mind of God), it is easy to decide from Bible scripture that our children were deliberately sent to us.
  2. My wife has commented on more than one occasion that she expects she will be a not-so-nurturing mommy, and that I will probably end up doing more of the nurturing (read, at least at first, as diaper changing). However, for what it is worth, I think that we could all benefit from giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt more.
    And you know, I’ve never really thought of my earthly parents as folks I would have chosen to be with, but, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense, especially within the framework of the LDS worldview.
  4. Interesting post. So I wonder if I don’t have little ones yet because they’re all arm wrestling over who *gets* to come first… or who will be stuck with me. In either case, they sure are lucky I married their father.
  5. Thanks for reminding us how even the most subtle language can convey completely different worldviews, and that we can genuinely admire something valuable in such a worldview, even if we personally do not subscribe to it. I hope more of us can learn to do this.
  6. Saturday’s Warrior & related musicals are NOT very accurate, IMHO, about the preexistence state.
  7. I totally disagree, Mike H. I’m pretty sure Saturday’s Warrior and related musicals nailed the pre-existence to a “T.”
    If I ever discover that I DIDN’T dance around in flowing fabric and sing songs about pullin’ together with my earth-fam, I’m gonna be, like, SO PISSED.
  8. Oh, and great post, Jack. There is a lot of comfort in the concept of a pre-existence. The idea that we knew it was going to suck and came anyway takes the edge off sometimes.
    Still not sure that I accept the doctrine of a pre-existence, but it has a ton of appeal, absolutely.
  9. Wow, I find myself the opposite of Katie, yet again.
    I don’t accept most of the cultural trappings of Saturday’s Warrior, yet totally believe in some form of pre-mortal existence.
    It probably did not include me knowing or choosing to come to the family I did. I think we all know that life would be hard, and would suck. I’m just not willing to accept we knew every pissy thing others would do to us, and we chose to come in spite of that, rather, we generally knew this life would be terrible and still came. Almost like, we didn’t really understand.
  10. If Saturday’s Warrior is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
    Just kidding, I’ve never seen it (gasp!), and I don’t believe in the pre-existence. But the movie’s awesomeness appears to transcend all of that.
  11. If Saturday’s Warrior is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
    My sentiments exactly.
    I’ve never seen it…
    Dear Whitney,
    You need to change that. ASAP.
    Love,
    Katie
    I’m just not willing to accept we knew every pissy thing others would do to us…
    My understanding isn’t that we knew every pissy thing that would happen to us; I don’t claim to know specifics about what a pre-existence might entail (beyond what is clearly revealed inSaturday’s Warrior and, to a lesser extent, My Turn on Earth, of course).
    Rather, I just think the idea that we knew IN GENERAL that life would suck seems to mitigate the Problem of Evil somewhat.
    (Of course, had we opted NOT to come we would have been thrust down to hell with Satan and his minions…so it’s not like the alternative was particularly rosy. It’s like in that other LDS classic, The Book of Mormon movie, when Nephi has just killed Laban and is trying to convince Zoram to flee into the wilderness with the fam. Nephi has Zoram at knifepoint, and Zoram says, “What about free agency?” And Nephi says, “You have your free agency: come with us OR DIE.” Riiiiight. Some choice there, Nephi.)
  13. If I ever discover that I DIDN’T dance around in flowing fabric and sing songs about pullin’ together with my earth-fam, I’m gonna be, like, SO PISSED.
    This is why I love you, Katie.
  14. I had the wisdom of a thousand sages to tell me that watching “The Book of Mormon Movie” would be a mistake to transcend the ages, a mistake so transcendent in all its dimensions of awfulness that listening to an 80′s fireside circuit speaker explain to me about backmasking would be a better use of my time.
    Instead, I have watched all the episodes of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and I don’t care what any of you have to say; that was excellent storytelling. Mmmmmmm… American Anime!
    (In any case, Zoram was clearly persuaded mostly by the fact that a Babylonian army was on its way to kill them all anyway…)
  16. “I was apparently absent from the room when they were handing out all of those charming “motherhood” skills I keep hearing so much about that are supposed to be an intrinsic part of the female nature…I think I must have been busy playing Nintendo or something.”
    LOL
    You are not alone. I’ve got a 3-year-old girl, and for me it’s been a learning experience all the way. I’m just not a natural mom, at least not in the way I’ve been taught moms naturally should be. But just because we might not like playing Barbie with our daughters doesn’t mean they can’t benefit from having a more…unique upbringing. My daughter and I love fighting each other with padded swords. Hardly maternal. Definitely not gentle and benevolent. But it works. And maybe in a few years we can play Nintendo together!
    And though I do believe in the preexistence, I’m not sure that we were all assigned to particular families ahead of time, or that we all picked each other out (not saying Harley didn’t choose you). That would make the break-up of families that much more sad. How could people who chose each other in the last life be so mean to each other in this one? Does God put some people together as a test/learning experience?
  17. I struggled for many years to understand why I came to the family I did, and I was angry about it for years. One day when I was deeply distraught I poured out my soul to the Lord and the most wonderful feeling of peace came over me. Not only did the answer come to me about why I came to my family, but I was healed in the process from all the pain of my childhood. It would have been impossible to heal so remarkably without the Lord’s intervention, and I will never forget that miracle in my life after struggling with pain and anger for so long.
    It is just my personal experience, but I truly believe in a pre-existence, especially after the eyes of my understanding were opened as to why I suffered some of the things I did as a child.
  18. The Protestant idea of a pre-existence is portrayed somewhat in “The Blue Bird” movie staring Shirley Temple. I bought a copy on Ebay. Here’s a similar tape:
    http://cgi.ebay.com/The-Blue-Bird-VHS-Shirley-Temple-Movie_W0QQitemZ170400225797
    Jack, so what is the generally approved or generally accepted Evangelical position on the pre-birth condition of the human soul? Before I heard the Mormon take on it, I assumed God snapped his fingers at the moment of conception (or implantation, or quickening, or birth, take your pick) and “poof” a soul was created for that baby.
    The idea that all our souls/spirits were in existence prior to the creation of the earth makes a kind of sense to me.
    Also, the Mormon concept of pre-mortal existence doesn’t imply that we had foreknowledge like Heavenly Father’s. The Book of Abraham implies that people accepted their mortal callings while in the pre-mortal existence, but doesn’t speak to how detailed any of our foreknoweldge was.
  19. Rob Perkins: Nephi actually did Laban a favor. It was likely a quick blow, and if it disrupted/separated the medula oblongata in one stroke, it would have acted like an “off” switch, and been as painless and quick as possible, especially since Laban was anesthetized with alcohol and was unconscious. (Police snipers generally go for a shot to the medulla oblongata if they can.)
    Had Laban lived, he would likely have been tortured to death along with the other Jewish leaders in Jerusalem at the hands of the Babylonians.
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