Wisdom of Solomon

When I discuss my interfaith marriage story, people are often most curious about how we manage the children. While I’ve become more reluctant about discussing specific events from my personal life in public (it’s why I started the private blog), I thought I’d share this story just the same.
On Sunday, it was Harley’s turn to visit my church while Daddy went to his. You’ll recall that Harley will be 4 in June. Daddy’s church was starting at 9 AM and mine wasn’t starting until 10:30, so we dropped him off at his church first. Harley was pretty upset that I didn’t let her get out of the car with Daddy. I was comforting her all the way home.
She cheered up a bit as I got her dressed up, put her hair in pig tails, and she realized we were leaving again for my church. When we got there, she eagerly rushed into the building and made her way back to the nursery. After the service, she said hello to Julie, a woman at the church who sometimes gives us a ride home when I don’t have the car. She grabbed Julie’s hand and tried to drag her out to the car with us. I smiled. I’m happy to see her recognizing and making connections with people at my church.
Arriving at her father’s church to pick him up on the way home, we had to go inside and look for him. Turns out he was standing right outside the room where she normally has her Sunbeams class, talking to another ward member. When she realized she wasn’t there to have Sunbeams class and we were leaving, she launched into a fit. We had to carry her from the building in tears.
When I consider this situation, I’m sometimes allured by the tale of the judgment of Solomon (1 Kings 3:16-28). That woman loved her child enough to give him up and let the other woman have him so that he wouldn’t be split in two, and because of the love that she showed for her child, the king gave him back to her for good. If I give Harley up and stop splitting her in two over this, will the King give her back to me for good?
I’m not there yet. Not even close. Not sure if I’ll ever be there or if it’s where I should go.
But it’s an idea.

Comments

Wisdom of Solomon — 12 Comments

  1. (major disclaimer- I don’t have any children yet).
    I love the idea of having her in both religions. I think you are doing a great job.
    My grandparents very occasionally took me to Mass as a child. While I am not planning on converting to Catholicism, I still find Mass to be beautiful. Don’t let Harley miss the wonderful things your church has to offer, like a female pastor!
  2. It looks like she just loves church, period. It’s a nice problem to have; the day will probably come when she hates church, period. Ask anyone with teenagers.
  3. Of course, in the end she will have to choose for herself. I respect how your family is handling a challenging situation. Thanks for letting us follow along.
  4. Honestly, Harley is much too young to be “torn in two” by belonging to two different churches. Her reaction was the same as if you walked by a playground and she wasn’t able to play on it, or if you were in a store and she wanted a toy she couldn’t have.
    Harley wanted to go into Sunbeamns because it’s fun, not because she believes in the truths of Mormonism.
  5. Your advice is more applicable to my situation. It’s pretty much the path I am taking, but now I get to think that what I have done is wise :) .
  8. Kullervo, I think that’s a sound, down-to-earth reminder. Thank you. I suppose my heart is just torn over this because I can see it turning into her being split between our religions.
    David, I think that, given you’re situation, you’re really doing the best thing possible.
    Sarah, Kew, Kevin Barney, thanks for your thoughts. And oh my gosh, the 2009 Bloggernacle Commentator of the Year is commenting on my blog!!!!1!1oneoen
    BFF, where have you been? I’m gonna be in town from April 1 – 11. We should meet up. What are your General Conference plans?
  9. I agree with Kullervo. You’re quite a few years away before the child can tell intellectually that there’s a conflict of some sort between the two belief systems, much less understand the differences, and there’s no need bring that date any closer. My main concern would be that her Sunday school teachers show respect for the other viewpoint, so she doesn’t come home saying “they’re a bunch of apostates” or “they don’t believe in the real Jesus.”
  11. I agree with Kullervo and any other who would tell you not to worry so much. She’s not old enough yet to perceive a month-by-month routine, and you have the added burden of her cognitive disability.
    Unless you and Paul were to unite under one church tradition, I think what you’re showing Harley is something quite beautiful.
    First, you’re showing her that her parents are different from one another, but that there are ways to a life in peace together with differences that large.
    Second, if both congregations show charity towards her, she will become immune to the most bitter anti-otherguy rhetoric from both traditions. That’s an extremely good thing.
    A few years from now, she’ll most likely choose Mommy or Daddy later on, on the basis of peer treatment or fun activities in the Primary or Primary-equivalent classes in the churches. You won’t have much to say about how she develops that preference, and it’s at that time that you can either continue to impose the routine (”You still have a choice! You can go and hate it… or you can go and not hate it. Your choice!”) or let her negotiate her way into something she prefers.
    Once she’s an older teen, you’ll lose control over this altogether. Treasure it now!
  12. Hi Mrs. Jack,
    I followed you from FMHW. I love when regulars there have blogs and I get to peek ;) .
    I was “split in two” as a kid (LDS/First United Methodist) and I have to say that I love that I was now. I felt like the “holes” in one church culture were always filled by the other…going back to the Holy Week post on the other blog for instance.
    I really think raising you daughter to love and respect both churches will give her a better understanding of religions, history, and Christianity.
    I am in a similar spot with my own kiddo, and I am just going to teach her the things I think I know, and the things I hold dear.
    “Will the King give her back to me for good?” She will grow up and decide that for herself.
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