Honey, your tie is in the trash

It happened yesterday. My husband was getting ready to head off to the LDS ward, I was about to go to my church’s monthly special prayer & worship meeting, when I saw him tying on a tie. THAT tie.
I don’t even care that it’s a holiday tie and the current season is spring. That thing shouldn’t be seeing the light of day even on Christmas morning.
I mustered my best annoyed wife voice and said, “You’re wearingthat tie?”
“Yup.”
“Sweetie, that tie is hideous.”
“I know. Isn’t it awesome?”
I scowled. No, no it most certainly was not awesome. But he went to church wearing that monstrosity of a tie just the same.
So I waited until this morning. Took my husband and daughter to the airport, put them on a plane to Iowa, came home, found the tie, and sent it on a one-way trip to the dumpster.
VICTORY IS MINE!
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Comments

Honey, your tie is in the trash — 59 Comments

  3. Whitney and Rob, that tie is awesome in the sense that when you go to church and you see someone wearing it you snicker to your spouse or friend, “What the hell is that guy wearing? Can you believe it?!?!” And then you’re happy every time you think about it for the next two weeks.
    It’s not so awesome when the guy wearing actually is your spouse.
    Good work, Jack. Hope you don’t get in too much trouble.
  6. I think it’s arrogant of you to do what you did. How would you like it if he took something you liked and tossed it? In a supposedly egalitarian relationship, what gives you the right to decide what he wears?
  7. Are you serious Eric?
    Alright, I’ll spoil the mischievous fun: I actually called him before I threw away the tie and told him I’d thrown it away so I could gauge his reaction. He laughed and said, “That sounds like my wife!” Having made sure he’d be okay with it, I then threw the tie away.
    I decide what he wears all the time, and he does the same for me; we each have the final say on what makes the other look good. I’ve always thought that was a pretty egalitarian arrangement.
  8. It doesn’t matter if he consented, it’s still a sin against God and a crime against nature. I am sorry Jack, but you have forfeited your crown and throne, etc. The oldest new Testament texts available make it pretty clear that Jesus says there is no forgiveness in this life or the life to come for people who sin against the Holy Ghost and/or those who throw away perfectly good ugly ties.Yes, he really said “and/or.” God moves and speaks in mysterious ways, Jack. I am sorry that you no longer have access to eternal life, though. Now not even posthumous Mormon temple baptism can save you. You might want to consider switching religions to one that allows for throwing away ugly ties. Like Satanism.
  9. The first thing I’m going to do when I get to the spirit world is find the guy who invented ties, and hang him.
  10. Mephi-Is this a spiritual hanging???
    That’s OK, I’ll demand BY take back the “menace to society” comment threatened by a punch.
  11. Katie — You don’t understand, I can see this clearly now.
    No Mormon man under the age of 35 who isn’t a pure tool likes wearing ties. It’s a form of gerentocratic oppression. (That’s a long word I just made up which means, “Old people who are Democrats and are also old.”)
    We do it anyway, because otherwise our grammas will hit us with their purses.
    We have to snuff a resentment to these old people, for imposing a standard of Edwardian dress and grooming(but not the cool Twilight type!), as though we were good little soldiers marching off to World War Two.
    And all this because of something Jesus said about loving (old) people and accommodating their needs. Well, what did He know anyway?
    Ahem.
    The point is this, and this is the point: Ugly, nasty ties with humorous snowmen, or prints of old airplanes, or dolphins swimming in a Hawai’ian utopia, or subtle branding of the Viagra pill…
    Those are the only safe paths of rebellion left! Without our Ugly Humor Ties, we have nothing, I say! Nothing to differentiate us from the tools!
    So that’s really the center of it, now, Jack; you’ve up and turned your husband into a boring-tie wearing tool, because you destroyed his juggling snowman tie.
    The only penance you could possibly offer is to get down to Saturday Market and find something to replace it that you can stand, which has at least as much Awesome in it as the snowmen, but also pleases your aesthetic.
    I suggest a print pattern of Eastern Orthodox crosses (since Mormons will never recognize them as crosses, that way, and confounding them is fun), or perhaps something Mormon-schlocky like those prints with Captain Moroni holding up his rent coat (I have one of those!), or, optimally, the print pattern of Viagra pills. Or the airplanes.
    If you choose the Viagra one, it will be especially good, because it will take sharp eyesight to read the word “Viagra” on each little pill, which old people don’t have without glasses, and because they’re all secretly using it anyway, amirite? amirite?
    HTH! HAND! ;-)
  12. Oh, and for the sake of making Mephi’s quest a bit more efficient, he’ll be looking for Prince Edward Windsor of the Royal House of Windsor, currently lording it over Great Britain through the tyranny of Elizabeth, the Second of that name.
    (She’s so gracious, don’t you think?)
  13. BJM asked:
    Are you serious Eric?
    Totally, but I apologize for behaving so judgmentally. That wasn’t fair to jump all over you for what are my issues, not yours.
    BJM also said:
    I decide what he wears all the time, and he does the same for me; we each have the final say on what makes the other look good. I’ve always thought that was a pretty egalitarian arrangement.
    I’m glad that works for you (and I’m totally serious about that too).
    That wouldn’t work here. I wouldn’t dare veto anything she wanted to wear (and she dresses very, very well, so I wouldn’t anyway), and if she had the “final say” it would quickly become the onlysay. And if she had her way, I’d be dressed like I came out of GQ magazine (which I’m not critical of, but it’s not who I am) and/or I’d have the cowboy look (which I hate). She’d make me wear jeans all the time I’m not at work or church, and not only don’t I like the way they look, to me they’re the most uncomfortable form of clothing ever invented (I’ve owned one pair as an adult because I needed them for a square-dancing class, and fortunately I have no idea where they are; they probably got lost in one of our moves). Most of the time I end up wearing clothes I can tolerate but don’t really like because it’s what she’ll tolerate. But I refuse to wear clothes I hate (and that primarily means jeans), and that’s what she would absolutely love to see me wear.
    It’s not a good situation, but I’m not sure what to do about it. But what I shouldn’t do is take my frustrations out on you. So next time you all but brag about doing something unpleasant that has been done to me, I’ll try to be kinder about it.
    P.S.: I too think that tie was wretched. But I’m still glad you wouldn’t have thrown it away without his tacit permission.
  14. Wow. I didn’t think my act of throwing out an ugly tie would spark so much discussion!
    Kullervo ~ My religion has been Satanism ever since I started working in my church’s nursery. Didn’t you know that?
    Mephibosheth ~ While you’re at it, can you also strangle the person who thought underwire in bras was a good idea?
    If I can’t find a good bra without underwiring, I cut open my bras and pick it out. True story. (I know all the men were just dying to know that.)
    Rob ~ I bought this tie for my husband a long time ago, but he took it off during one of his dance classes and lost it. I dunno what to do for a replacement… maybe this one, or this one or this oneor this one.
    Eric ~ My husband and I generally like the way the other likes to dress, we just reserve the right to designate suggestions, hair length, beards, etc. I also pierced my ears for him while we were engaged, which I think shows that I love him more than the ring on my finger could ever show, ‘cuz I loathe wearing earrings but he thinks they’re hot.
    I have been a bit of a stickler lately about making him wear complete suits to church. If he had it his way, he’d wear a button-down sans tie with slacks every time. So I guess the ugly tie was his last act of rebellion against that.
    You hate jeans? Seriously? That’s so bizarre to me. I wear jeans almost every day if only because it’s so hard to find any other type of pants at my height.
  15. Attention gentlemen, please shield your eyes. Except for Mephibosheth, you have to listen.
    Ahem, as a female who simply cannot walk around (much less run) without underwire, I must respectfully dissent and ask that Mephibosheth refrain from gettin’ all medieval on that guy.
    Thank you :) .
  16. Continue to not listen, gentleman, it will only bring naughty images to your heads!
    Well Whitney, judging from photos, you do seem to have better… endowments… than I do. Maybe you need it more.
  18. underwire is a gift from jesus.
    eric, if you and your wife are having trouble finding middle ground on your attire, might I suggest a solution every 8th grade girl knows? wear one thing when you leave the house, then change into what you want to wear once you’re out of sight. it is an old tactic, but a marvelous one.
  19. KLM asked:
    You hate jeans? Seriously?
    Seriously. They’re fine on other people. But I find the stiff fabric quite uncomfortable. And even if that weren’t an issue, I don’t like the look on me, at all.
    KL said:
    … wear one thing when you leave the house, then change into what you want to wear once you’re out of sight.
    You’re right. That sounds like something an eighth-grader would do. I hope that wasn’t a serious suggestion. She’s my wife, not my mother.
    But I have learned not to wear certain clothes when we go out together. It’s just not worth the hassle. Sad but true.
  22. Hey, Eric–it’s nice to hear from someone else who hates jeans! I always thought my husband was some sort of freak because he hates them, too. I’ve never seen him wear a pair (though he will make an exception for jean shorts, but only after all his other shorts are dirty). He claims the fabric just doesn’t feel good on his legs. He only owns khaki cargo-type pants and slacks for church.
    I, on the other hand, would wear jeans daily if I didn’t have a job that required otherwise. And I just moved jobs, too, and the new one doesn’t have casual Fridays, which means I can only wear jeans once a week. Sigh.
  23. While I agree in principle to the idea that it is high sacrilege to destroy a perfectly good ugly holiday tie, I feel that said ties should only be worn during the holiday season. Until this past year, I only had four such ties (one for each Sunday of December) but then I realised that 2008 had five Sundays! Fortunately my mum came through and got me another tie as a birthday present. Huzzah!
    Seriously, Jack, you should have tried to auction off your hubby’s tie, just to see how much we would have offered for it!
    (And as an aside, I am a 26-year-old guy who loves wearing ties because, as my wife says, they make me look dang hot!)
  28. Carina said:
    … it’s nice to hear from someone else who hates jeans! I always thought my husband was some sort of freak because he hates them, too.
    Of course, it’s possible that he and I are both freaks. I have been accused of it before.
  29. I love jeans. Boot-cut jeans and black t-shirts are basically all I ever wear. With boots.
    Except when I have to dress nice. Then, I always wear a tie. I hate “business casual.” I look like a tool in a shirt and slacks and no tie. I like a suit, with a tie (either a hilariously ugly tie or a really-good looking one, but wide either way). I have never minded wearing ties, even on my mission when I had to wear them.
    And when I start work at BigLaw in January, I will probably wear ties all the time, business-casual dress code notwithstanding. I’ll wear a whole suit as often as it is reasonable. It’s my rebellion against the casualization of the professional world. I’m a snob (but only because I’m basically white trash who worked his way up, and I’m not going to bust my ass in college and law school just to keep dressing like Knoxville).
  30. Eric, you and Carina’s husband are not alone in your freakishness. I never wear jeans. It’s not that I hate them, per se, but I just sorta dislike them. Too rigid for my tastes. It’s typically khakis or slacks for me (or a kilt, but that’s another matter altogether).
    And Alex, I am of the opinion that sending Jack’s husband a replacement ugly juggling snowmen tie would be among the most hilariously epic moves in history.
  31. I’m basically white trash who worked his way up, and I’m not going to bust my ass in college and law school just to keep dressing like Knoxville
    I love this line, Kullervo. I think this is part of why I like dressing up.
    JB ~ sending Jack’s husband a replacement ugly juggling snowmen tie would be among the most hilariously epic moves in history.
    Oh no you don’t. You freaks are NOT getting my address, and no talking to Katie Langston because I think she knows it.
    In fact, no talking to anyone who’s friends with me on Facebook either because I think my address might be available in my profile.
    Maybe I should shut up now.
  32. Alex, send me a private email.
    katie_in_logan [at] yahoo [dot] com.
    I have a completely…ummm…unrelated topic I need to discuss with you about…something that has nothing whatsoever to do with…er…ugly ties. :)
    (Don’t worry, Jack, I wouldn’t give out your address without your permission. But there are loopholes.)
  33. So, I did a very informal poll, and most of my friends have said not to get the tie. They all agree that it is a horrific bit of neckwear.
    (Don’t worry, Jack, your address isn’t on facebook.)
  38. Now if only someone was eating the cupcake… Oh dear… I think I’ve gone too far.
    (Although, actually, maybe I went to far when I realised that my sister-in-law might know Jack’s address… bwahahahaha…)
  42. This may be sacrilege considering that this is Jack’s (awesome) blog, but…
    I’m just DYING to hear from Paul on this.
  43. Um . . .hi? Yes this is the husband. Let’s see . . . what do I think about my wife throwing my one and only ugly tie. I’d like to say my one and only tie, but sadly I’ve been forced to wear them for sooooo long I actually have . . . two ties. So now that I’m down to one . . . I have to be a little thankful. Sadly this one tie is about as boring as grass . . . or elves . . . or grassy elves.
    Personally I think if you have to wear a tie it’s gotta stand out, be loud, and draw attention. After all that’s about all they’re good for . . . except maybe wiping my daughter’s runny nose, they’ve been good for that too. So by loud I really mean ugly . . .or if not ugly, cool like the Spider-Man tie. World’s Hottest Assassin is good too, I’m sure that one will at least turn a few heads and make other husbands jealous. You know, being labeled as such. I’m sure all the wives will have to go talk to their bishops, with me being walking pornography and all . . .
  44. He speaks!
    Thank you, Paul (and nice to meet you!).
    May I inquire as to your feelings about cupcake ties? (Everyone in the group simply must know…)
  45. Hello Jack’s hot Protestant friend. How do you feel about polygamy?
    Cupcake ties are okay, but only if they’re licked cupcake ties . . .
  47. Actually, since your wife is already among my three sister-wives, I suppose I’m down with polygamy by default.
  50. Wow. My poor husband got stuck with a sucky pink gravatar. EDIT: We managed to update it to Spike Spiegel. Much more manly.
    BTW, in case anyone is wondering, Paul does usually read our threads and keeps up on who the commentators are. He actually has another identity he sometimes comments with for other blogs, but he wants it to remain anonymous because he doesn’t want to be known as “Jack’s husband” every time he posts. Plus he’s making a list of Mormon bloggers who need their asses kicked for hitting on me.
    Anyways, I have a funny story to tell. Harley came up to Paul today and slapped his ass, then grinned and ran off. Isn’t it marvelous how children mimic every move we make?
  51. Paul, it is a pleasure and an honor to meet you here.
    I’m coming to visit your wife next month…and after all this hullabaloo, I may just have to bring a surprise for you, too. ;)
    The ass-slapping story is funny. The other day, my daughter shouted “Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!” when she couldn’t figure something out. Oh, the things they learn. (PREEMPTIVE DISCLAIMER: If you ever hear her drop the “F”-bomb, she totally didn’t get it from me.)
  54. I may have to get that “World’s Hottest Assassin” tie someday. Because that is just awesome (and would suit me quite nicely).
    Anyways, I have a funny story to tell. Harley came up to Paul today and slapped his ass, then grinned and ran off. Isn’t it marvelous how children mimic every move we make?
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, wow.
  55. Well, now that I know that Paul can easily click on the link to his now-rubbished tie, I don’t have to spend the money on it. (I’ll leave that option for Katie.)
  56. PREEMPTIVE DISCLAIMER: If you ever hear her drop the “F”-bomb, she totally didn’t get it from me.
    Our little guy corrects us on form. Once when katyjane was driving and it was all stressful and trafficky, she said “shit,” and our three-year-old pipes up from his carseat “Mommy, it’s not ‘shit.’ It’s ‘fuckin.’”
  57. Mephibosheth (comment 9): Hang him… with a tie?
    Kullervo (comment 29): He’s hot in his jeans and black shirt, ladies (and gentlemen). I’m not wild about the snakeskin boots, though…
  58. OH, and, if you need a garish Hawaiian dolphin tie, I have one I don’t wear.
    I just reviewed this thread, Rob, and I want you to know, my husband’s parents (who moved to Hawaii last year) got him a garish dolphin tie for Christmas.
    So, now that he owns an ugly tie again, he’s pretty happy.
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