ClobberBlog | Mormonism, Evangelical Christianity

Bored with General Conference? Want to be less bored? You’ve come to the right place! Just park yourself down right here and hit your “refresh” button every minute, I’ll keep you entertained.

So, I hear they’re going to call a new apostle, and apparently “The only rule dictating how the newest apostle will be chosen is that the selection must be a male member of the church.” My vote is for either our very own Seth or Derek from the comments at fMh, because I know they would do something cool like give women the priesthood. Come on, Monson, I know you’re a huge fan of this blog, pick one of them!

Okay, it’s starting. Wonder if Eric Huntsman is still in MoTab. I’m gonna watch carefully and see if I can spot him.

Nope, no sign of Huntsman so far. I did see a black guy with a very shiny head though, which looked pretty awesome.

Okay, now Monson is speaking. Ooo, apostle. Damn it, the new apostle won’t be Seth or Derek. Fail, Monson. Fail. I oppose!

And my husband is already asleep. I’m not joking.

HUNTSMAN SIGHTED! We have a Huntsman sighting.

Okay, now Robert D. Hales is speaking. The first guy I dated at BYU had “Hales” as a firstname. I know you find that horribly pertinent to this talk.

So, it sounds like the point of Elder Hales’s talk so far is “Don’t Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford.” He must be a huge fan of Saturday Night Live. While I’m not a huge fan of that dry, lectern style of speaking, I actually think that was a good talk.

Margaret S. Lifferth is up next. You hear that? That’s the sound of 12 million people getting up to go to the bathroom.

“What is my demeanor during a sports event?” LOL. At sporting events, I firmly support liminal abandon.

“A toddler can learn to fold his arms and get ready for prayer.” SEE! I told you guys that was a Mormon thing.

“To make good choices on the Internet,” and speaking from personal experience, parents, don’t let your teenage daughters talk to leaders of polygamous LDS splinter groups on teh Intarweb. Trust me on this one.

Do people actually text message and send e-mails in sacrament meeting? Yeesh.

Michael A. Neider is up now. The word “virtue” makes me giggle when discussed as a value for young women. I’m easily amused.

My husband is asleep again.

“Inspired church handbooks.” What does he mean by that? Is the Church Handbook of Instruction considered inspired?

Do they read their talks off of teleprompters, or do they memorize them? I’m curious because Neider really looks like he has teleprompter face.

While this isn’t the best talk I’ve ever heard on the subject, as an evangelical I completely agree with Neider that we should not underestimate the work that teenagers can do. It was a 15 or 16-year-old friend in high school who invited me to Sumner Presbyterian Church and thus pulled me back from suicide and helped me to re-commit my life to Christ as I was 16. I subsequently invited my cousin Dolores to attend, and she got her parents to come (who were inactive evangelicals at the time). Her parents served as an elder and deacon in the church and got many other friends and relatives to attend as a result. It was a chain effect, all because that one teenage girl in my health class asked me to come.

Just think, if it had been one of the three Mormon teens sitting near me who had reached out to me instead… who knows.

Allan F. Packer is on deck. Geez, football is so violent. Wait, is he using football to teach the Gospel? I’m not a sports person, but I think I can appreciate that.

D. Todd Cristofferson now. He’s congratulating Neil Whatshisname for usurping the apostle calling from Seth and Derek.

My husband says he wasn’t asleep, he was just enjoying some snuggling with our daughter. A likely story.

Honestly this talk by Cristofferson isn’t doing much for me. Snoooooze. I really don’t understand people who say that women shouldn’t get more talks at Conference because their speaking style sucks. They certainly aren’t any worse than this.

I’m really glad my daughter is watching Jonah: A Veggie Tales Movie in the background. I think Archibald Asparagus has much more to teach us as a prophet than Cristofferson.

Yeah, okay, that’s mean. I did say nice things about the other talks though.

Now we got Henry B. Eyring.

My husband says that my Archibald Asparagus photoshop offends him deeply so I took it down. Sorry guys. UPDATE: New, less-offensive photoshop added.

I’m missing a lot of Eyring’s talk on account of being chided for making fun of Cristofferson. You guys got me in trouble.

“Most of us know widows who need attention.” Oh wow. All the wrong ways I could take that.

Now my mind is playing the game where you add the words “in bed” to the end of a person’s sentence or phrase. You’ll have to try it for yourself.

Well, I guess that’s a rap. Tune in later for the Saturday afternoon session!